trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
