I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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