My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
