fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
The uberlube is also flammable
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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