What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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