you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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