I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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