Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
