We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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