Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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