I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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