apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize