just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
You pole danced in your parka.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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