No awkward lesbian experiences without me
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
