i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
PANTIES FOUND
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