dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
foreskin is a definite game changer
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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