i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
