You smell like a Billy Joel song
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
