I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
All I want is dick and wine.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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