You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
