It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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