I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
