Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
