I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
