Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
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