god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
