I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
