She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
