At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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