thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
