the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize