Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
