The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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