the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
