Duck Duck Cougar?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
