sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
