Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
