between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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