She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
