i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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