Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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