He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
