it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
