You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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