I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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