I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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