I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize