So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
NoShamevember. You game?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize