the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
