i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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