I can tuck mytits in my pants
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
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