i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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