ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
