I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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