i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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