can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
