Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
