I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
