Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
