Nicole vs. Life
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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