I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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