I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
PANTIES FOUND
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