i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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