Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
