Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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