Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
